Two things in life stand out and are deemed important. Whiskey and Common Cold. For those of you who don’t have a clue as to what this means, drink whiskey and rub your nose against dust or someone’s live germ filled phlegm.
If you’re a chik and are back after a healthy puke, try reading the next few lines just for kicks, you’ll need to have a stomach full for more dwaaaak time.
Recipe to healthy Dwaaak (in case you haven’t graduated from kindergarten, dwaak is the sound effect that comes about when you’ve hit the sink or toilet seat head first):
I always wondered why the Chinese food we get in India tastes and seems for all known reasons like a mixture of poop and dry vomit. We haven’t come close to believing in it ourselves, but just coming down to have a closer look, the cornflour which binds most of the dishes made and called Chinese, alongside the gooey liquid (which often looks like a used finger bowl) couples up to look like a photosensitive version of light brown shit.
It’s strange how we like this food and especially so if we are to eat anything Chinese that starts with an ‘H’. Hunan gravy for example, is finger bowl and low carb, low salt, high volume pungency with a dash of aginomoto and traces of lemon. Of course the truth is that Hunan is nothing but vomit churned like curd with yeast. Any taste which remains is then excruciated out of the gravy and served hot just to make it presentable. It goes well with noodles, (but for once, use your hands and eat like a south Indian, I say)
I had a friend back in the old days (very ancient, we used to wear leaves then, I had cool bell-bottom banana leaves then) who used to eat a Chinese dish with chapathi. Now we’d call this “Indi-Cheenee bhai bhai” (vaguely translated, Indian Chinese brother brother) in the food(om) and pronounce the title upon him. This weird combination is the most healthy thing you can ever do to your Chinese food. The cleansing that the chapathi does is beyond known recognition qualms.
Coming back (and also, baring any social and racial discrimination), our Chinese food is actually Ghurkese (as coined by Pals our friendly neighbourhood saint). The Ghurkese are clever people, don’t be fooled (Note: The Ghurkese are Nepalis who own Chinese stalls). So yes, don’t be fooled by their innocence, they are very clever people these ‘ghurkese’ and they will make (or claim to make) Chinese food with food (and FDA approved edible items, duh), but serve you sweat (yes Nepali’s also sweat FYI, their proximity to India could be the plausible cause for them to be sweaty) and phlegm, mixed in gutter water and if you’re lucky, you’ll find ants in your soup too (as Farro did, back in non-Amar days). Yes, he ate ants in his soup and quite cleverly covered it up (pun very clearly intended).
Our office caterers, KRSH (name changed cleverly to avoid debarring, I can be smart at times see) have bhaiyas serving Chinese every Friday. Now if ever there’s a bad tummy that you need to push your lousy day at work to smirk with, is when you replace that Ghurkese food maker with a Bhaiyan to make a close controlled reel of Bhaikese food which by far will be the most amazingly ugly semi-edible named set of food items ever served. Yes, our office caterers are the best in ugly sweat and hair oil (chameli) food items. They specialize in serving your food with stones and hair (of which someone used to pelt at their neighbours glass, and also the same chameli oil drenched strand of hair).
I’ve assumed that the sinks and toilets have filled their quotas for the day …. which is where I will come to the point of saying that Whiskey and Common Cold are the best cure to ugly food (as discussed above). Simple pieces of reasoning here,
1) Whiskey cleanses everything
2) Common Cold makes sure you don’t have to smell it.
there you go, cheers and healthy eating……..
PS: Remember me next time you drowse your mouth into a pile of hunan (NOT to be mistaken with the point when you hit your head to the toilet seat)